He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
