Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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