Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
