my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
