party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
