i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.