watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday