I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it