Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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