I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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