this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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