I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
