dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
