I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
