Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
