This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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