you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
