There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
