There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
