dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
