He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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