i think i have two assholes
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
