franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
