Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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