We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
