She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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