I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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