So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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