pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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