Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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