she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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