when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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