so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
