I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
