I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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