he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly