I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
