I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid