i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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