Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
