I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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