I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
