i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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