This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
