life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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