you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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