Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
