Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
