Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
