cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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