I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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