fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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