You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
