Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
