I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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